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A little more than a year ago I sat in Patricia Risso’s classroom thinking long and hard about why I was there. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. In the first place, for the past two years education has been an emotional subject. I let go of everything else in my life to get my education. Every other ambition, thought, or consideration went to the wind. For a year I starved, penniless, having let someone who I had thought was a lifelong friend take me for all I was worth and nearly leave me homeless. For the first time in my life, I began thinking of suicide. No matter the view from the outside, I came to classes every single day with the sense that, somehow, I had to succeed as a student, or all the pain I was subjecting myself to would mean nothing. But this was even more than that. This was ingrained in the fiber of who I was. Why did I start studying the Middle East?
When I was eight years old, I woke up and came downstairs and saw my mother crying in the living room. I sat down with her and watched the attack on the World Trade Center. She didn’t turn the television off or say anything at all. I understood what was happening, but I didn’t understand why.
Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus 85, elegiac couplet.
I don’t know the exact moment that Catullus pulled me out of the year long fog brought on by the nonsensical Latin of Disce! Latinam, but every successive poem I read pulls me further out. The second line implies an entirely passive role for the lover: love and hate cruelly subject themselves to us. Lesser emotions like joy and snap anger are things we can dissolve in a stoic calm, but love and hate overpower us in beautiful and horrible moments of clarity.
Friendly warning: do not read this if you aren’t into pretty awesome trashy horror manga, mostly in the realm of body horror. If you don’t know what body horror is, ask yourself if you like horror, excessive gore, monsters, or images of physical degeneration and mutation. If you do, body horror may be up your alley and I encourage you to read on.
Also, if anyone knows where to find more like this from the same studio, hit me the fuck up or post a comment here.